Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely out of position. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")

And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly delicate ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It's that he should really halt employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the task, replied, "You recognize, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."

Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a element being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorised.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.

"It can be not just unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Characteristics

Probably the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium wherever guests may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Community Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They may Arrive"

The advert campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is by now attracting focus from Worldwide traders, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will even involve:

A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot hold out to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a resort the place my PTSD can have change-down assistance."

Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories suggest:

China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Trump Tower Damascus
Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Ultimate Ideas with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."